I
really don't think I ever thought about how many kids I would actually have. I
knew I always wanted to be a mom and when I was younger, really thought I would
have a daughter. However, I came to realize that it didn't matter anymore if I
had a boy or girl, just a healthy child.
What
I did always think about is how cute I would look pregnant and how my body
would just snap back the way it was before I had the baby. Of course, I thought
this, because everything I had seen on television, in the movies, reading
magazines, that's what happened.
So
imagine my surprise when none of it did. I got pregnant on my honeymoon and all
of a sudden something in my brain kicked in, and I thought it was just a
free-for-all to eat everything I wanted that I had always restricted myself
in the past.
And
in turn, I gained 70 pounds. When Zachary was born, he was just a little over 6
pounds and I'm not kidding, when I tell you that the doctor made the nurses
weigh him again because I think he couldn't figure out how such a big person
could have such a little baby.
Right
there it hit me. I wasn't that really cute pregnant woman that I had always
dreamed of being. Being a first-time mom is an extraordinarily difficult job. I
think it takes stress to an all new level. There's so much adopting to do that
as much as you thought you could prepare for, you really couldn't.
So
in the past if I was not at a comfortable weight, I would refocus on myself and
get there. However I could no longer just focus on myself, I had a newborn to
take care of. I did have an opportunity when Zachary was six months old to be
part of a Discovery Health reality show called the Body Challenge. It was a
four-month long shoot where I was followed by cameras at the gym and with a
nutritionist. Zachary came with me to all my appointments. When the show ended,
I felt confident again and that dream of my body bouncing back to the way it
was for the most part become a reality.
In
the years following, I had three miscarriages, so that alone took a toll on my
what was weight-loss accomplishments. I was then blessed with my first set of
identical twins...and gaining 50 pounds. Carrying twins makes being pregnant to a
whole new level! While I was able to lose the weight after they were born, I
was what I came to know as left with "roo".
My
skin had been so stretched after all of these pregnancies and lastly being
twins, that it didn't really matter how much weight I have lost, I had this
enormous amount of excess skin that I had to tuck into everything I wore.
I
told myself as soon as I was done having children, I would was determined to
make a permanent parting with "roo". After two additional losses, I
was again blessed with my second set of identical twins and had regained the 50
pounds that I had lost after my first set.
Oh,
and in case you're wondering, with both sets of twins, I never was that cute
pregnant woman! So here I was, the mother of five amazing beautiful little
boys, but really just couldn't stop thinking about the 2 things that I had
always dreamt about for myself really never came true.
I
talked with Mike about my desire to say goodbye to “roo”. I made an appointment
with the plastic surgeon, who in the consultation told me that I needed to wait
until a year after the last birth before he wanted to do the procedure. A
little over a year after my last babies were born, I underwent a tummy tuck. Here are
my blogs regarding that time of my life:
What
I remember about that is all of the people asking me if I was scared. I was so
excited to be able to put on a pair of pants and not have to tuck in a massive
amount of extra skin, that I never thought about being scared. I truly thought
it wasn't about me being vain, just being able to live the rest of my life a
little more comfortable.
That
was four years ago and for 4 years my weight went up and down and up and down,
until this last February when I met a wonderful nutritionist who helped me
realize that what I thought was the right, healthy way to eat, was truly an
unhealthy wrong way to eat. I believe that with her help and a few other
therapists over the years who specialized in eating disorders, I am now at a
place that I feel empowered.
Living
in Southern California is hard. Body image is extraordinarily prevalent, and
especially with girls, I believe begins at a very early age. While I no longer
obsess about food and my weight, literally on an hourly basis, I'm was not 100%
at a place where I am comfortable and content.
A
few days ago my family and I had the opportunity to spend the day with some
close friends at a beach house they rented that week. It was so awesome,
relaxing and peaceful. My family spent the day in the sand digging holes,
catching sand crabs, and burying each other in the sand. One of my 8 year old's
asked to take a little walk and of course I obliged. I think we were talking
about him starting the new school year soon, when he kind of stopped me by
touching my arm and looked very inquisitively at my stomach. He said
"Mommy, what those marks on your stomach"? I paused, looked at his
sweet face and I said "these are from when I had you and your brothers and
let's just call them my tiger stripes".
It
was that moment that all the sudden I realized that I actually earned those stripes. I was so lucky to have them. I was beyond blessed that my body had a
chance to get them. It was a life-changing question that my son asked me. He's
too young to understand right now what gift he gave me but when he gets a
little older, I can't wait to share with him what a difference a few little
words meant.
Since
that day, I have not been able to stop thinking about how for 42 1/2 years I
thought I knew what is best for me and it took an 8 year old to help me really
understand what was.
From
here on out, I wear my tiger stripes proudly!
