Tuesday, January 10, 2012

I am gonna do it this time….

Just like all the other times I said I was gonna do it. But this time it seems different. But then again, I have said that before. What can I do so this time is not like all the others? Can it be that I want it more? Can it be that I need it more? Not sure, but I really want to believe that this time is gonna be the last time I ever have to lose weight.

I try to always have a smile on my face. People comment to me all the time that I am always smiling and while I joke back “If I wasn’t smiling, I would be crying”, sometimes it’s true. I mean, come on, one person can’t possibly be happy ALL THE TIME…right?

I do love my life. I am so blessed with everything I have. That said, I just wish, more than anything that I didn’t think about food, what I weighed, and my body image 24/7. That is not an exaggeration. There have been plenty of nights that I have laid up thinking how I could be thin. How are thin people thin? When it is morning, so I could have breakfast? Am I the only person that feels this way?

Reality is, that I know I can't possibly be the only person that feels this way, BUT, I could be, maybe, one of the only people that talks about it. It is shameful. I think. Drug addicts don’t talk about their drug addiction and alcoholics don’t talk about their addiction, so why would a food addict talk about theirs? Same difference.

I read a blog this morning, which prompted me to do what I have been meaning to do for a while now. Blog. It talked about that ever so faithful BMI chart.

BMI Categories:
• Underweight = <18.5
• Normal weight = 18.5–24.9
• Overweight = 25–29.9
• Obesity = BMI of 30 or greater

It’s like the big bad wolf. I will never forget – I had just had my 1st set of twins, about 6+ years ago. It was about 3 months after I gave birth and had to go to the doc for something. He did his exam and I needed a second opinion, so I asked for the records for the first visit to take with me. I read them. The doc called me OBESE. To say I wanted to crawl in a hole and bury myself and never come out was an understatement. I am 5’7” and at that time, weighed 195. He clearly didn’t take into account I just had 2 babies – but just even hearing (reading) those words sent me into a tizzy. Me? Obese? No way. I know what obese looks like and I was not it.

I have been extremely successful on WW before. After my 1st pregnancy, I lost 80 lbs in 9 months (gained 70 with him) and after the 1st set of twins, lost 50 lbs in 5 months. Now, with the 5 kids, a full time business and countless other obligations, finding the time to lose the last 20-30 lbs has proved it extremely difficult for me and in the interim, mentally debilitating. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard “You don’t look like you need to lose that much”. Either they were being nice or need glasses. I also hear “You carry it very well” – as if that is supposed to make me feel better.

So, for the 100th time, I started Weight Watchers on Jan., 2nd. Studies show that logging what you eat daily is a great way to be held accountable. I agree. It’s also a great way to obsess about what you eat everyday – LOL! Fact remains, that for me to be a healthy person, mom, wife and friend, I need to do this. In the end, it’s not even really about the scale. Its how I feel. How my clothes fit. I have clothes in my closet ranging from size 8-12. I would love to get rid of the big ones and choose daily from the small ones. I have to know that it will happen. I have to believe that I will succeed. After all, “The best way to gain self-confidence is to do what you are afraid to do”. ~Author Unknown

And away we go…..