Tuesday, January 10, 2012

I am gonna do it this time….

Just like all the other times I said I was gonna do it. But this time it seems different. But then again, I have said that before. What can I do so this time is not like all the others? Can it be that I want it more? Can it be that I need it more? Not sure, but I really want to believe that this time is gonna be the last time I ever have to lose weight.

I try to always have a smile on my face. People comment to me all the time that I am always smiling and while I joke back “If I wasn’t smiling, I would be crying”, sometimes it’s true. I mean, come on, one person can’t possibly be happy ALL THE TIME…right?

I do love my life. I am so blessed with everything I have. That said, I just wish, more than anything that I didn’t think about food, what I weighed, and my body image 24/7. That is not an exaggeration. There have been plenty of nights that I have laid up thinking how I could be thin. How are thin people thin? When it is morning, so I could have breakfast? Am I the only person that feels this way?

Reality is, that I know I can't possibly be the only person that feels this way, BUT, I could be, maybe, one of the only people that talks about it. It is shameful. I think. Drug addicts don’t talk about their drug addiction and alcoholics don’t talk about their addiction, so why would a food addict talk about theirs? Same difference.

I read a blog this morning, which prompted me to do what I have been meaning to do for a while now. Blog. It talked about that ever so faithful BMI chart.

BMI Categories:
• Underweight = <18.5
• Normal weight = 18.5–24.9
• Overweight = 25–29.9
• Obesity = BMI of 30 or greater

It’s like the big bad wolf. I will never forget – I had just had my 1st set of twins, about 6+ years ago. It was about 3 months after I gave birth and had to go to the doc for something. He did his exam and I needed a second opinion, so I asked for the records for the first visit to take with me. I read them. The doc called me OBESE. To say I wanted to crawl in a hole and bury myself and never come out was an understatement. I am 5’7” and at that time, weighed 195. He clearly didn’t take into account I just had 2 babies – but just even hearing (reading) those words sent me into a tizzy. Me? Obese? No way. I know what obese looks like and I was not it.

I have been extremely successful on WW before. After my 1st pregnancy, I lost 80 lbs in 9 months (gained 70 with him) and after the 1st set of twins, lost 50 lbs in 5 months. Now, with the 5 kids, a full time business and countless other obligations, finding the time to lose the last 20-30 lbs has proved it extremely difficult for me and in the interim, mentally debilitating. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard “You don’t look like you need to lose that much”. Either they were being nice or need glasses. I also hear “You carry it very well” – as if that is supposed to make me feel better.

So, for the 100th time, I started Weight Watchers on Jan., 2nd. Studies show that logging what you eat daily is a great way to be held accountable. I agree. It’s also a great way to obsess about what you eat everyday – LOL! Fact remains, that for me to be a healthy person, mom, wife and friend, I need to do this. In the end, it’s not even really about the scale. Its how I feel. How my clothes fit. I have clothes in my closet ranging from size 8-12. I would love to get rid of the big ones and choose daily from the small ones. I have to know that it will happen. I have to believe that I will succeed. After all, “The best way to gain self-confidence is to do what you are afraid to do”. ~Author Unknown

And away we go…..

12 comments:

NRadoumis said...

Jen - this is a journey that you share with countless others. We are Powerful Women and we have the ability to overcome nearly any obstacle - and we have. This is a challenge and as you have done with so many others in your life - take it on with all the tools, information and research - and COMMUNITY you have done before. How can you lose? i am here for you and with you. Let's do this! XOXO

Amy said...

I like your blog...you may like mine...amysmoneyhealthcare.blogspot.com

The first posts tell the story..

mintzfamily said...

Go Jen! You are the motivation we all need! Can't wait to see the new & improved you!

HMarton said...

Jen~
I get it from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet, I get it. At 4'11, 5 lbs is another size and 10 is two sizes. I have never had a truly healthy relationship with food and I feel it everyday. Years ago I struggled more, differently than I have in the past 10 years but since surgery...my eating disorder and obsession are in full bloom.
I remember when Phentermine came out years ago and I literally thought that G-d had parted the clouds, looked down on me and said, "YOU will not be hungry" and I wasn't, it was such a relief to not wake up thinking about food. I remember saying that I did not care so much if it had bad side effects as we all have to die from something, please just let me die thin.
For me it is about control, filling the void and that when life is out of control in any area, that I always pray...please let me just be able to control this. It works for a while and then I break and beat myself up badly for it.
This surgery has put a whole new spin on it, I feel almost like I had gastric-bypass the same day (which I did not)but all the crazy thinking about food is back.
I understand and I am always here. You are amazing, brave and loved and you do not walk this path alone.
xoxo,
Heather

Natasha said...

Great article Jen! Well written! Talent! I know it is a far drive for you, but my friend, who owns Stroller Strides, has started a class called Body Back (BB). T and TH 8:45 to 9:45. Outside. Moms only. We are starting round 2. First class was today. If you do it and follow it, it is guaranteed!! It is the best exercise ever. You could consider it! Otherwise... I agree with your comments - it is not about the scale, it is about how you feel and how the clothes fit. I have been PG so many times and the weight goes up and down. But this time, it is staying down and I am trying for more. I owe it to BB classes and to running with friends. I always have a policy to do the best I can. I never NOT drink. I never take away things that will dramatically change my lifestyle. I try to exercise and try to eat better. Oddly it is so simple, yet so hard to follow. I know you know. And always, the first thing you think about on travels or going out with friends... where are we eating and when?!? I really think the key to success is to change your thinking and be okay with who you are today and strive to be better each day along. Not be too hard on yourself. Know that eventually you will get there. It has only been a couple years since the boys were little. Your body has been through a ton! You are doing great - tell yourself that each and every day!!

Trendy Clips said...

Hapy New Year Jen! Goals are always a great way to start a new year and challanges we give ourselves keeps us on our toes.

This is a battle for many of us and as we get older it seems to get that much harder. I went through these feelings an emotions last year so I decided that I was done feeling bad aout myself. I researched the HCG diet for weeks, watched numerous testimonials on you tube and finally worked myself up enough to give it a try. There are strict rules to this diet and I wasn't sure I was going to be able to stick to it, but I did. The outcome was amazing....I lost 16 lbs in 3 weeks and never felt better. Talk about change almost overnight. I went from a size 8 to a 2-4.

There is nothing like feeling good about yourself, but one lesson that I learned was that results in aything you do happens because you are determined and strong but most importantly we are capable of anything.

Please don't be down on yourself. I have had the pleasure of meeting you in person a few months back and what I saw was a beautiful, happy and strong woman. Love yourself, love your body and love what your body created for you. You are truly blessed!!!

Keep your head up and be proud of yourself and I wish you the best of luck on your journey!

K.A. said...

I feel this way all day, every day too. It has consumed my life. No matter how good or bad things are going this, aside from my children and the people I love, is the #1 thing on my mind. I wish I could make it stop and I could stop beating myself up. It's like being a prisoner to your own negativity.

foreverfit said...

Happy new year Jen. Just remember we all have our own starting point when it comes to loosing weight. Check out my blog as well. Foreverfit.blogspot.com.

AJinNoho said...

I'm also a mom of (one set of) twins and I have fought weight problems all my life. I was up to a size 16 two years ago and I remember looking in the mirror and saying to myself "I wish I could just wake up and be thin again."

Then I found hooping! Yes, hula hooping. Not with one of those light, plastic, tiny kids hoops but a full size, slightly weighted adult hoop (which I now make & sell, fyi). I had NEVER hooped as a kid so it took me about 45 minutes to get the hang of it but once I did... I lost over 40 lbs! Hooping has changed my life in many ways and I consider it a 'fountain of youth.' It helps reverse arthritis, osteoporosis and helps with depression. It's a no to low impact cardio that burns 300-600 calories an hour AND IT'S FUN!! I just dance around to music and I'm now a size 8. Best of all, you can do it with your kids!

There are hoopers like me all over the world so please check it out and you'll see - you don't have to torture yourself to look and feel great. <3

Kaden Epstein said...

I just started WW too (again)...Good for you for getting there! You can do it!

BenNeumann.com said...

Hey Jen,

I am right there with you. I have lost 100 lbs and gained it all back so many times that I should be an expert at it by now. I finally started to develop my own custom program, which included the thinga I just couldn't do without and so far it has worked. 25 lbs down since Jan 2 and I still feel that I'm living a quality life. Check out: http://www.benneumann.com/weighloss-journey/ if you're interested.

Good luck,
Ben

Baby Signs with Barbara said...

Congrats on your renewed commitment!
I've started WW three times now. I just got back to my goal last week. Hooray! For the longest time I just kept going to meetings but not tracking, not paying close enough attention to portion sizes. I wasn't invested in what I was doing.
When my leader asked at the beginning of the year, "what are you going to start doing differently this week?" I raised my hand and said, "I'm going to track."
I made a public commitment and I think that accountability is what got me back on track.
It's a daily challenge, but it does get easier. The good choices become habits.
I think WW is such a successful program - for me, at least - because it's not a diet. I can have whatever I want! I've just learned to make better choices.
I wish you tremendous support in your journey!